I travel every week for work. I originally had this week scheduled to travel in the local area of Atlanta. Unfortunately, we had a change of plans and I ended up spending part of the week in Alabama. I spent Thursday night in Tuscaloosa and had to entertain at dinner for an agency that sells for us. I must say that the people watching was fantastic. I was in a great restaurant, Five, that also has a bar. I spent the better part of an hour watching a very large bald man work diligently to get the attention of a beautiful blonde woman that clearly could have had the pick of any guy in the place. Needless to say, he went home all alone.
After dinner I checked into my hotel. You know you are in Tuscaloosa when you see The University of Alabama symbol on the hotel doors. There was also a giant elephant on the granite counter top while I was handing over my Corporate Am Ex. I had to chuckle. My husband absolutely loves that stuff. He attended Alabama and even played football over there. Something about it is still in his blood, even after all of these years.
While I was riding the elevator at the hotel, I had to think about how many times per year I go home all alone. The difference is that my going home alone is not the same as the large bald guy being alone. My schedule usually has me in hotels on Tuesday and Wednesday nights each week, and I always go home alone. The interesting thing, is that I don't feel alone any more. But, I do remember the years of feeling loneliness.
For years I had worried that the kids would know something was wrong, and feel that loneliness as well. For Ray, things were starting to make sense. He finally understood the divorce, and with that came a better understanding of why our family functions the way it does. Todd and I have always gotten along. We spend a lot of time at sporting events for our kids. I can not tell you how many times other soccer Moms have suggested that we get back together. I just smiled and knew that it was not in the cards. It was only after I remarried that we stopped getting that comment.
Unfortunately in August of 2010, James still did not know or understand. After five years of divorced life, I decided to find a therapist that could help me with my fears. At the time I didn't realize that my fears were the real issue, but looking back I know that was the problem. I was afraid of how this would all affect the kids. I could not look past the fact that it could easily give the kids long term problems.
So we all went to see a therapist for the first time. We spent some time speaking as a family of 4 and then Ray wanted to speak about his feelings for his Dad. We asked James to wait for a few minutes in the lobby. We only had 10 minutes left in the session and I gave him my i phone to play with. We spoke quickly for the last 10 minutes and all 3 of us felt better. It was the first time that the 3 of us spoke openly. Something inside me felt better by acknowledging the secrets in front of my oldest child. Our therapist immediately told us that keeping secrets were causing us trouble. Kids know when there is a secret and they assume it is about them.
I walked out the door thinking about how I would talk to James. He needed to know and the time had clearly come. Unfortunately, it didn't go as planned. James had chosen to sit by the door and listen to every word. He knew that his Dad was gay, knew his brother was upset, knew that Todd's boyfriend was moving in with him, and knew that his Mother was worried about his well being. James was sitting by the door crying quietly, as I bent down to scoop him up.
We had come in two separate cars. My husband took Ray home with him and I had James with me. He sat in the car crying hysterically and kept saying this is gross. He is in the third grade and just had no idea what this meant for him or his Dad. We spoke on the way home in the car and we spoke while I made dinner. I cook when I am stressed and let me say, we all gained a few pounds last fall.
After a week or so, James turned the corner. He quit saying it was gross and began asking how this would affect him. He has worried that when Jason moved in with Todd, his Dad would not have time for him any longer. When the conversation went that way, I knew we had made progress. That was a natural question for a child when a parent has a new relationship. It had absolutely nothing to do with gay or straight. Todd gave James some assurances, and I gave him the exact same information. We all worked as a group to make sure the kids had a united front of parenting, and it worked. The kids relaxed and continued with their lives. We were back to football practice all the time and spend the nights with their friends.
Both kids accepted this much sooner than I had thought. They got back to being well adjusted and we all got back to our lives. This became a very small part of who we are. Life includes all four adults on the sidelines at football games or at school performances. Jason is new to the group, but the kids have warmly accepted him.
Looking back, I definitely would not have told a child this way. I am glad he knows though. We all deserved honesty and open relationships.
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