Telling a child his Dad is gay...

I travel every week for work. I originally had this week scheduled to travel in the local area of Atlanta. Unfortunately, we had a change of plans and I ended up spending part of the week in Alabama. I spent Thursday night in Tuscaloosa and had to entertain at dinner for an agency that sells for us. I must say that the people watching was fantastic. I was in a great restaurant, Five, that also has a bar. I spent the better part of an hour watching a very large bald man work diligently to get the attention of a beautiful blonde woman that clearly could have had the pick of any guy in the place. Needless to say, he went home all alone.

After dinner I checked into my hotel. You know you are in Tuscaloosa when you see The University of Alabama symbol on the hotel doors. There was also a giant elephant on the granite counter top while I was handing over my Corporate Am Ex. I had to chuckle. My husband absolutely loves that stuff. He attended Alabama and even played football over there. Something about it is still in his blood, even after all of these years.

While I was riding the elevator at the hotel, I had to think about how many times per year I go home all alone. The difference is that my going home alone is not the same as the large bald guy being alone.  My schedule usually has me in hotels on Tuesday and Wednesday nights each week, and I always go home alone. The interesting thing, is that I don't feel alone any more. But, I do remember the years of feeling loneliness.

For years I had worried that the kids would know something was wrong, and feel that loneliness as well. For Ray, things were starting to make sense. He finally understood the divorce, and with that came a better understanding of why our family functions the way it does. Todd and I have always gotten along. We spend a lot of time at sporting events for our kids. I can not tell you how many times other soccer Moms have suggested that we get back together. I just smiled and knew that it was not in the cards. It was only after I remarried that we stopped getting that comment.

Unfortunately in August of 2010, James still did not know or understand. After five years of divorced life, I decided to find a therapist that could help me with my fears. At the time I didn't realize that my fears were the real issue, but looking back I know that was the problem. I was afraid of how this would all affect the kids. I could not look past the fact that it could easily give the kids long term problems.

So we all went to see a therapist for the first time. We spent some time speaking as a family of 4 and then Ray wanted to speak about his feelings for his Dad. We asked James to wait for a few minutes in the lobby. We only had 10 minutes left in the session and I gave him my i phone to play with. We spoke quickly for the last 10 minutes and all 3 of us felt better. It was the first time that the 3 of us spoke openly. Something inside me felt better by acknowledging the secrets in front of my oldest child. Our therapist immediately told us that keeping secrets were causing us trouble. Kids know when there is a secret and they assume it is about them.

I walked out the door thinking about how I would talk to James. He needed to know and the time had clearly come. Unfortunately, it didn't go as planned. James had chosen to sit by the door and listen to every word. He knew that his Dad was gay, knew his brother was upset, knew that Todd's boyfriend was moving in with him, and knew that his Mother was worried about his well being. James was sitting by the door crying quietly, as I bent down to scoop him up.

We had come in two separate cars. My husband took Ray home with him and I had James with me. He sat in the car crying hysterically and kept saying this is gross. He is in the third grade and just had no idea what this meant for him or his Dad. We spoke on the way home in the car and we spoke while I made dinner. I cook when I am stressed and let me say, we all gained a few pounds last fall.

After a week or so, James turned the corner. He quit saying it was gross and began asking how this would affect him. He has worried that when Jason moved in with Todd, his Dad would not have time for him any longer. When the conversation went that way, I knew we had made progress. That was a natural question for a child when a parent has a new relationship. It had absolutely nothing to do with gay or straight. Todd gave James some assurances, and I gave him the exact same information. We all worked as a group to make sure the kids had a united front of parenting, and it worked. The kids relaxed and continued with their lives. We were back to football practice all the time and spend the nights with their friends.

Both kids accepted this much sooner than I had thought. They got back to being well adjusted and we all got back to our lives. This became a very small part of who we are. Life includes all four adults on the sidelines at football games or at school performances. Jason is new to the group, but the kids have warmly accepted him.

Looking back, I definitely would not have told a child this way. I am glad he knows though. We all deserved honesty and open relationships.

Coming out...

I spent most of yesterday evening at the hospital. My 8 year old son wanted to visit Mr. Jason after his back surgery. I actually had a double motive in the visit. James, the 8 year old, had left his new recorder at his Dad's house last weekend. He needed this for school today so we needed to pick it up.

Our visit was fairly uneventful. James had picked out an azalea for Jason and wanted to give him a Reese's Cup. He was pretty sure that a Reese's Cup would make any hospital stay more pleasant. Considering my own personal love for peanut butter, I certainly did not argue the point. We had a nice chat and James gave us a recorder concert. I knew it was time to leave when we began discussing where all of the tubes went. Jason was on IV narcotics every 12 minutes, so he proceeded to answer. The IV lines were not a huge concern, but I really did not want to know where the tubes that went under the covers connected.

The whole visit left me thinking about the huge differences we have experienced in the past year. Just 12 months ago, neither of the boys knew their Dad is gay. We had managed to make it for 5 years after the divorce without telling them. For the first 4 years of it, Todd and I both agreed that it was best. The last year of it, I was the only one that felt that way. I had worried about the consequences. I searched and searched for any literature on telling kids this type of thing. There really is very little written about it. I had hoped for some statistics that showed me something like 99.9% of children that were told this type of thing, came out just great. As you can guess, no such statistic existed. So being a true Southern woman, I just ignored it. I knew it wouldn't go away, but I was in no hurry to bring it to the front burner.

Then in April of 2010, the whole situation came to a head. Todd had met a man and had carried on a long distance relationship. The two had gotten  much closer and had decided for Jason to move to Atlanta and live with Todd. As many ways as I tried to figure this out, there was just no way to cover up the fact a grown man was living with their Dad. Todd and I discussed this at length and never came close to an agreement.

Then on your average Tuesday, everything finally changed. Todd had picked up our oldest child after school. Ray was 12 at the time. The two of them went to his house to spend the evening playing Wii. During the evening, Todd said he finally got up the courage to discuss it. Todd was not sure how to handle this but knew he was ready to talk. In his excitement to share his authentic self, he shared a little too much all at once. Todd told Ray that he was gay and that he had known it for some time. He then asked a gay friend to speak to Ray about it. This friend went on to explain that he had known he was gay since he was 5 years old. The two of them took Ray to dinner in Mid-town and discussed it a little more before softball practice. Todd had been playing in a gay softball league and in his new found openness, he introduced Ray to the team. All of this took place in one short evening.

I am not sure if it was the pink softball uniforms, all gay restaurant, or simply the information that gave Ray trouble. What I do know is that the next day I opened up the whole thing for questions. I simply told  Ray that I would be glad to answer anything. Unfortunately, he had no questions, but he did have a request. He did not want to see his Dad any more at his house. I later asked Todd what he was thinking, and he simply said he got a little excited about the information. He really wanted to share his authentic life with his son and accidentally shared a little too much.

For roughly six months, Todd visited the kids at my house. He attended their events and came over to our house every week or two. It was the first time since the divorce that the kids just did not go to their Dad's house. None of us had told James why we were seeing Daddy differently, and thankfully he did not ask. We just fell into the new routine.

This lasted for six months before we had another major moment.

Things I never Thought I would do...

Today I had one of those moments where I realized my life was just a little off of center. I have had several of these in the past, but today's moment was a big one. I was driving my 8 year old son to school this morning and we were discussing our plans for this evening. During the conversation, we both remembered that his Dad's boyfriend had surgery yesterday. I had already called to check on him and knew it went well, but he will be in the hospital at least one more day. After a few minutes of conversation, we decided that we will stop for flowers and go visit him in the hospital. We both asked the 13 year old if he wanted to attend, but he reminded us both that he has football training tonight.

I don't remember lots of my childhood memories, but I am pretty sure that I never once thought I would have an evening that involved visiting my ex-husband's boyfriend in the hospital. Even with that said, I am good with it. The whole family feels better when we are all included. 

I guess I should explain how I got here. I am 38 and live just outside of Atlanta, GA. I am married and have an 8 and 13 year old. We also have an 11 year old that lives with his Mom in AL. My ex-husband and his boyfriend live about an hour away. We are definitely a modern family in many ways. If you throw in the fact that I work full-time and my husband stays home with the boys, we definitely scale the bar of nontraditional family status. 

I grew up in a small town in North Louisiana. During college I met a guy that was different from anyone else I had ever dated. Todd did not hunt or fish in his spare time. He enjoyed music and was handy around the house.  For the most part, we liked the same things. We hit it off instantly and spent every day together for the 8 months we dated. Then in August of 1991, we stood in front of 150 of our friends and were married. 

I have heard people all talk about where they were when certain things happened. When Kennedy was shot, when man landed on the moon, and 911. While I clearly remember 911, I have another day that sticks in my memory even more. It was in October of 2003. I was standing in the driveway outside of our North Louisiana home and was speaking with my husband. We had several conversations over the past couple of days that left me confused, and asking questions. Looking back, I am still not sure why I finally asked the question that changed my entire life. I looked at Todd and almost casually asked him if he was involved with another man. It was as if time stood still while he finally voiced to me what he desperately needed to say. Yes, he had been involved with some other men during our marriage. 

Over the next few months we talked about almost nothing else. I was desperate to manage this situation. After all, I was happy. My life was exactly where I wanted it, and divorce was just not an option. We talked, we negotiated, and cried. Finally, in May of 2004, we told our families that we were divorcing. I still clearly remember every word that my mother said to me. She was completely stunned and said, "but we don't get divorced." You know she was right, and I had no clue what I was doing. Nobody else in my family was divorced and none of my friends either. Thinking back, I think that helped me immensely. I had no clue what was appropriate divorce etiquette. 

I still loved Todd, I just could not stop thinking about it. I had tried and tried, but the knowing changed everything. He had confessed the secrets of his life. Todd trusted me and for the first time in his adult life, he had someone that he could speak to. The problem was that even as much as I loved him, I could not keep going. 

We never got angry and we never hated each other the way many divorced people do. We just grieved together. Nobody else in the world understood what we were going through. Todd was not coming out of the closet and we could not talk to others about it. In an odd way, the secret also brought us closer. We were both grieving the loss of what should have been. I had married my best friend when I was young, and we wanted the same things out of life. I just did not have anger in me, only a sense of loss and sadness. 

So how did we get from grief to acceptance? I genuinely think it was simply that we did not know any other way. Neither of us wanted bad things for the other, and we both wanted the best for our boys. We sat down and negotiated our property settlement on a yellow legal pad and agreed to a child support figure. He has paid every month without issue, and we share unusual expenses like braces for our oldest son. 

During the divorce he asked me not to talk about his homosexuality. He was not ready to come out of the closet and desperately wanted to make sure that his mother never found out. He was raised in a Southern Baptist family and homosexuality was a sin. I kept it quiet for the most part, but I did tell my immediate family. When I finally got up the courage to tell my sister about the divorce, she immediately asked me if he was involved with another man. I was shocked, but later found out that my entire family had always suspected. I guess a lot of people suspected, except me. 

So how did I miss it? The truth is that he is not the flamboyant type of gay man. He is more Neil Patrick Harris than Elton John. In hindsight, I can remember some things that should have triggered the thought, but I simply missed it. I was too busy living my life and paying attention to the kids and my career. 

We only told our kids last year. Todd decided to tell our oldest son alone. I really was not ready, and probably never would have been. I wanted the boys to have the same childhood that I had. I can honestly say that I was wrong. They needed their childhood, and not mine. They also deserved honesty. The oldest child struggled for a few months. It was hard for him to think of his Dad in that way. He also finally had to give up on the idea that we would ever get back to being a nuclear family. I did not know until much later that he had held on to the hope that we would reconcile for years. His Dad also told him that his boyfriend was moving in with him. This was a huge change all at once. 

I had dreaded this conversation for years. I had secretly hoped that it would be a relief for me, but it was not. I was simply afraid that they would not be OK. The struggle for the 12 year old, gave us a pause at telling the youngest. He was only 7 at the time, and we were all afraid that he would talk about it an inappropriate times. I was also afraid of the unknown.

With a huge sigh of relief, I can tell you that they are better than OK. They are good. We have raised caring boys that are active in sports and do all of the traditional types of things. Even to the point, that I am spending my evening visiting their Dad's boyfriend in the hospital. Is it the right thing to do? Who knows, but it works for our family. My husband likes my ex-husband very much. We all respect each other and appreciate all of our need to take care of the kids. I have had a friend ask how do we all do it so well. I am not sure of the answer, but I think it is simply that we care about one another. All of us want the best for each other, and are willing to do what it takes. We have our funny moments (the guy at the Apple Store thought my husband and ex-husband were a couple when we were buying the oldest child a laptop) and our scary moments (yes we are raising a teenager that is currently a hormone with feet), but we all work together.  

I will let you know how the hospital visit goes. My youngest child is wanting to play his recorder for Mr Jason. An 8 year old with a new recorder just has a good time written all over it.